@TheMichaelRock

Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.

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@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …

@SteveSuckington

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

@AndLookPretty

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

@ValeeGrrl

Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

@hadafewbeers

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

@thebeckyard

Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.

@JasonLight73

When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”

@Ndeshi_M

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

@jordan_stratton

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…