THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.