Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?
Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.
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Boy never ceases to amaze me
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.
When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…