My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
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Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My therapist after every session
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
remember
only for emergencies
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Jurassic park gets weird
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal