Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I have a type: disappointing
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels