I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Good Morning.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.