[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Namaste
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.