#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here