#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.