I thought I’d lose tons more weight if I drank extra glasses of water every day, but I guess I was just diluting myself.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Me: definitely not eating that
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming