@neiltyson

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

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@KaysNH

I thought I’d lose tons more weight if I drank extra glasses of water every day, but I guess I was just diluting myself.

@SeiYoung83

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

@CornOnTheGoblin

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

@PleaseBeGneiss

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

@ItsZaeOk

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

@jakob_huber

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

@PhuckinCody

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming