#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
You Might Also Like
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me