#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

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I thought I’d lose tons more weight if I drank extra glasses of water every day, but I guess I was just diluting myself.


*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”


Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups


Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that


everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”


Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.


“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”


[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming