Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
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My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected