Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

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Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”


*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy


I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t


I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.


My son is playing by himself in his room and he is narrating his imaginary play activities in a voice like a French Werner Herzog: “We open ze barrel of monkeys, and we find zem all dead inside. Ze worst discovery of all. Who has done zis to zeese monkeys? Who is zis monster?”


Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life….

Avoiding them


FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.

“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”


I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.