@EndhooS

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

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@Elizasoul80

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

@IRLPepperMD

*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy

@ZennethNevers

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

@mommatotwo_

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

@JodiesJumpsuit

My son is playing by himself in his room and he is narrating his imaginary play activities in a voice like a French Werner Herzog: “We open ze barrel of monkeys, and we find zem all dead inside. Ze worst discovery of all. Who has done zis to zeese monkeys? Who is zis monster?”

@lovemyboots111

Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life….

Avoiding them

@RBColl

FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.

“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.