Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:
Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
“where did all ur money go?”
I’m either wearing it or i ate it
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Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
THEM: where are you from
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
[shows them my phone background]
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
That awkward moment when you can’t decide if it’s just a bad pic or you really look like that.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?