“where did all ur money go?”

I’m either wearing it or i ate it

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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?


*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*


My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.


THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]


me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs


That awkward moment when you can’t decide if it’s just a bad pic or you really look like that.


My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.


Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds


Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?