Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I’ll be mad as hell!
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together