where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.