I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
God: oh shit
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.