@murrman5

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

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@IamJackBoot

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

@onedogsopinion

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

@sonictyrant

Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?

@Sanbel11

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

@TheAlexP

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

@iamspacegirl

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

@SabyForrester

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

@tartadepollo

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

@T_Bonezzz_

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.