Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
everyone has that one prude friend
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON