Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”