@TheDairylandDon

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

You Might Also Like

@hobo_hands

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

@LizHackett

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

@qwajo_jnr

You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem

@Reverend_Scott

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

@whatmaddness

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

@HenpeckedHal

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

@gojarbe

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

@DamienFahey

When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”