Taught my dog how to high five. Now when I tell a shitty joke nobody likes, I can still at least get a high five from the dog.. after a brief paws… It’s nice.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
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Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
are we getting rain tomorrow?
do you see how that’s confusing?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.