@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

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@rmfnord

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

@LauraBenanti

I JUST SAW A MAN KICK A RAT WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT DID THAT RAT EVER DO TO YOU SIR FOR ALL YOU KNOW HE COULD BE AN AMAZING CHEF IN PARIS

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

@hell_doe

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

@shariv67

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

@TragicAllyHere

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

@ch000ch

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him