“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.