Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

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“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed


Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.


7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?

Me: You got a warrant?


I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.


me: i had my faith in humanity restored today

wife: what happened?

me: driving to work i saw a young kid rush to help an old lady after she got hit by a car

wife: omg, did you help too?

me: nah, i needed to go get the dent repaired that she left


Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*


Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.

Wife and I laugh hysterically,

Then I die a little inside.


Me: “You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass.”
Him: “So there’s still a chance?”
Me: “Let me ask my unicorn.”