“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed
Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?
Me: You got a warrant?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
me: i had my faith in humanity restored today
wife: what happened?
me: driving to work i saw a young kid rush to help an old lady after she got hit by a car
wife: omg, did you help too?
me: nah, i needed to go get the dent repaired that she left
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.
Wife and I laugh hysterically,
Then I die a little inside.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: “You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass.”
Him: “So there’s still a chance?”
Me: “Let me ask my unicorn.”