I should sell this house, the rooms spin when I drink vodka.
Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
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“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”
yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first
GUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *