Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

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“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.


ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed


“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”

yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting


[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice


My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.


[first date]
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table


Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.