[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
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[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
incredible text to wake up to
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.