*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.