@Home_Halfway

Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud

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@ashmensch

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

@NikkiGlaser

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

@Sickayduh

“Ma’am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them”
– Oh no
“This is Debra”
– aww I like that
“And this is Depanties”

@SteveKoehler22

Real Road Signs
(What they mean)

“Rough road”
(Road sucks)

“Construction zone”
(Unattended orange cone zone)

“Lanes shift”
(Confusing af)

@MomofTeen

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

@AndyAsAdjective

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

@Mike_Bianchi

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

@fro_vo

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

@ArfMeasures

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box