*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED
Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“Ma’am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them”
– Oh no
“This is Debra”
– aww I like that
“And this is Depanties”
Real Road Signs
(What they mean)
(Unattended orange cone zone)
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box