I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable