Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Pandas 🐼🖤
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.