where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
😂🤣😂🤣
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I unironically love this joke.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.