“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
This was my dad’s browser history.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
what