How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left