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*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*


Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro


Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.


We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.


doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another


*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-



If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym


[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-