*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
ME:[writing] bad at geo-