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@squirrel74wkgn

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

@2tonbug

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

@LackOfShame

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

@PFTompkins

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

@pleatedjeans

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@debon7

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

@panmidwest

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-