Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
They’re the worst 😩
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?