Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Bros before Ohioes
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Cashiers are always checking me out