Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.