“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Botany good plants lately?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”