HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
i really liked this one
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
🤣😈🤣
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Stick it to the man