I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
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“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
No way!
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
plant them where lol
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now