“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
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Sooo many times…..
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I…do not understand how electricity works.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.