I missed you with all my darts
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
50% Forrest Gump
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cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
therapist: what’s your biggest fear
me: ghost chameleons bc they have
therapist: [gasps] double invisibility
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
me: oh cool AM or FM?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.