Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Muppet Screams
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,