@FrogAvalanche

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

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@Carter_TCB

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@FatherWithTwins

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

@Mardigroan

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

@sbellelauren

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

@Brentweets

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

@ArfMeasures

LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club

ME: I thought this was Gullible Club

L: No..but we’re all SO happy you’re here

M: That’s so nice thanks!

@MannyDiesel

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait