I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
You Might Also Like
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club
ME: I thought this was Gullible Club
L: No..but we’re all SO happy you’re here
M: That’s so nice thanks!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait