-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
You Might Also Like
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.