WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still