Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
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Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
😬
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.