Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
can’t talk my ride’s here
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down