Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

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My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.


Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.


Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.


Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!


Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.


doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry


My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.