Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
plums roundup
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.