“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof