@RoosterMustache

“Where’d my boomerang go?”

Under there

“Under where?”

Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”

*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*

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@Faceyspace

HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE.

@stevevsninjas

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@TheToxicWaster

When Jesus went to heaven technically he was moving back in with his parents..

@girlnarly

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

@dafloydsta

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

@timdonakowski

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

@gregreckons

If by “eat clean” you mean “donuts in the shower”, then yes – I eat clean.