@jellybnbonanza

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

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@OneTrickTofani

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

@sageboggs

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

@Thedudish

I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.

@pleatedjeans

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

@Marlebean

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

@Mikecanrant

I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@ArfMeasures

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

@MrSpoonicorn

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*