@jellybnbonanza

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

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@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@HelmdawgE

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

@RatBatallion

When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn’t herpes .

@4SLars

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

@imteddybless

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

@hellohappy_time

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

@MJMcKean

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

@Robski_Boy

I still get my ‘drive-throughs’ & ‘drive-bys’ mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?

@mrjohndarby

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper