Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
#parenting
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.