Where’s Jesus when you need him. There’s only 2 fish sticks left and I’ve got company coming.

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Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.


All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.


[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6


I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.


Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!


Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.


The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.


To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke.

My apologies for taking a break. It won’t happen again!


COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.