Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
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Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern