“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
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Me: Same.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Planet of the Apps.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you