@FrogAvalanche

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

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@kpcuk

There are 10 types of people in the world – those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar ūüôā

@IamJackBoot

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

@Gupton68

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

@erica_rosie

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

@TheTweetOfGod

Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he’s a spider.

@Donna_McCoy

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

@dadmann_walking

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.