“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
When you kidnap a writer.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
*offers Batman cough drops*
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
nice challenge
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?