Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…