Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*slides it in*
– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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A handsome man came up to me today & said “Hi what’s your name?”
I said “You on Twitter?” He said “No”
We’re getting married on Monday!
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.