Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

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A handsome man came up to me today & said “Hi what’s your name?”

I said “You on Twitter?” He said “No”

We’re getting married on Monday!


Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.


Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them


me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”


ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?


(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*


“Sorry, I have to take this call.”

“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”

*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”


Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit


My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.