@sixfootcandy

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

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@TinaraMinus10

A handsome man came up to me today & said “Hi what’s your name?”

I said “You on Twitter?” He said “No”

We’re getting married on Monday!

@GrumpyBahr

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

@briangaar

Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them

@KeetPotato

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

@dafloydsta

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

@karanbirtinna

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

@DiscountLando

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”

“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”

*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

@aveuaskew

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.