[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
You Might Also Like
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I already tried new things thanks.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.