which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what