which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
? 💀
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.