which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Cake!!
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Bread puns are on the rise!
My dress code is business-casualty.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”