Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
You Might Also Like
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders